We're bobbing along in our barrel
Some of us tip right over the edge
But there's one thing really mystifying
It's got me laughing, and it's got me crying
All my life it would be death-defying
Until I know
I wonder, wonder why the wonder falls
I wonder why the wonder falls on me
I wonder, wonder why the wonder falls
With everything I touch and hear and see
"great fun with a fabulously snide yet charming female protagonist"
Wax Lion (Pilot episode)
"I surrender to Destiny" . . . famous last words. . . seriously. . . they put it on bathrobes and stuff.
Jaye Tyler (Caroline Dhavernas), explaining the "Maid of the Mist" legend half-heartedly to a young customer.
So she agreed to live with the god in the waterfall and became "Maid of the Mist" . . . And thanks to "Princess" Niagara has remained an enchanted wonderland, despite hundreds of years of commercial development.
Did you end up over-educated and unemployable like you said in the yearbook?
Are you happy?
What's good for business is good for all of us. No one here is a loser.
This lion is defective.
Rude customer demanding money back.
Word of advice? —Don't give her money back.
Wax Lion to Jaye, the first words spoken to her by an "inanimate" object.
Sweetheart, everyone's here. Untie the door and let us in.
Jaye's mother after her "sode" (episode of fainting, after the lion spoke to her)
She lives in a trailer park, Clearly she's disturbed. I mean clearly.
She's not disturbed, she's depressed, and they have pills for that now.
Sweetheart, when was the last time you had an orgasm?
Jaye's father
That sound you hear is stunned silence.
Jaye's sister, Sharon.
I really don't want her talking to my therapist— she'll give him ideas.
I think we should put her down.
JAYE: I'm confused.
PSYCHIATRIST: That's perfectly normal.
BRASS MONKEY: Perfectly normal.
I love you.
Brass monkey to Jaye, in psychiatrist's office
Why'd you steal that Monkey?
It told me to.
JAYE: Don't you have work in New Jersey?
ERIC: I'm pretty sure they're going to fire me when I don't show up.
Eric the bartender and Jaye, after Eric reveals his recent "marital dissappointments".
ERIC: I'm almost numb enough to start something on the rebound— what do you say?
JAYE: Sweet of you to offer but— I may be clinically insane. You might want to hold out for someone a little more stable.
ERIC: I don't think that would be as interesting.
See a penny pick it up.
Wax Lion to Jaye
You're not supposed to talk to strangers— Piss OFF!
Jaye to a young girl who has just told her "Your not supposed to steal" as she reaches in for a quarter from the wishing fountain.
You've got to be kidding.
Jaye after the bouncing quarter leads her to the rude customer's purse.
So we got poor bitch, and his ring, which led us to the quarter, and the quarter led us to the purse— which was empty. Is that supposed to mean something? Is it a metaphor? —Are you Satan? Are you God?
Jaye to the inanimate objects who are showing no signs of speaking.
Oh, God. . . I'm a crazy person.
Wednesday your day to dig through the trash?
Rude customer accusing Jaye of being an accomplice of the purse-snatcher.
I came here to be nice. I knocked on seventy-one doors just looking for your sorry ass. . . my knuckles are raw.
You're twenty four— "troubled teen" is no longer flattering on you.
SHARON: You tell people we're not related.
JAYE: It was just that one time.
SHARON: It was Grandpa's wake.
Don't get in the boat. —Dumb ass.
Jaye to "Princess" in "Maid of the Mist" video
What monkey?
Jaye after being accused of stealing the psychiatrist's brass monkey.
Make me a match.
Wax Lion
You can't talk! You don't have a larynx! If you don't have a larynx you can't talk!
Jaye to Wax Lion
Sharon and poor bitch siting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Wax Lion
I guess I thought if I could just get my sister laid the little wax lion might just shut up.
ERIC: The wax lion wanted your sister to have sex?
JAYE: I'm assuming.
ERIC: Does the little wax lion ever tell you to burn things or hurt people?
JAYE: He's probably working up to that.
ERIC: Your just teasing about the lion, right?
JAYE: Of course.
It's not you— really, it's not— it's me.
Oh, that old chestnut.
If I tell you something— you have to promise you won't breathe a word of it to anyone, okay?
Sure.
I'm a lesbian. The reason I'm not attracted to you is your genitals are on the outside.
Your just trying them all on for size aren't you?
I think the universe is conspiring against me.
Jaye
ERIC: What's the universe plotting?
JAYE: Couldn't tell you. Vanna hasn't turned over enough letters yet.
Actually the medium-point Bic round stick is your prefered pen for emergency tracheotomies.
Dr. to Jaye and Sharon after the allergy crisis.
Oh, so that's how it is.
Jaye observing her sister's and "Poorbitch's" ex-wife's interest in each other
You've got to be kidding me.
Final "match" of the episode becoming apparent
I don't know. . . I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like a pinball, I've been bouncing off bumpers and flippers, trying to get something to happen,but I had no idea what it was— and then all of a sudden there's a tracheotomy, and you're a lesbian, and there's this other lesbian and— I was just trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do, but they didn't tell me what it was, they just kept on making me guess.
Who. . . made you guess?
Nobody— the proverbial "They".
I. . . love you. Please don't respond to that.
She was surrendering to destiny.
ERIC: So why struggle with fate? Life can be sort of peaceful when you stop struggling.
JAYE: It's a lot like drowning that way.
Hey— lady. Hey! I think I'm supposed to help you. . . and by the way you've got toilet paper on your shoe.
[edit]
Karma Chameleon
Sharon: Jaye their youngest, holds a Philosophy degree from Brown, and works retail. Thats twelve more words.
Aaron: And lives in a trailer park. Thats five right there.
Jaye: Why not? Those things are all facts. Should I be ashamed?
What if I only ever rate four words and a digit?
Get her words out!
Spoken by a Fish on the wall (and later by a Chameleon in the racks).
BINKY (to customer): Come again!
JAYE: Don't encourage them.
It's like you've been at it all your life, and yet not managed to have your soul crushed.
SHARON: She must be nuts if she thinks you inspire!
JAYE: —"with effortless and undemanding style".
You've gotta choose people who arent much more motivated than you are— but don't surround yourself with total narcissists. Otherwise, things start to be about something other than you.
If you mean it looks a little like Jeannie's bottle, I get that a lot.
Your home is a trailer. Don't you see the beautiful poetry in that? It's a thing thats been designed to go someplace, and yet the hitch isn't hooked up to anything. So it just sits here, never living up to it's potential… but never in any danger of breaking down either.
You have really managed to create a stressless expectation-free zone for yourself.
So are we almost done? 'Cause suprisingly I'm getting tired of talking about myself.
That's my zone. You're parked in my zone!
Bianca is a "Single White Female".
I should have tossed her out on her buh-buh-butt!
A brother who lives at home, and is still considered more succesful than I am— which could be because I live in a trailer that— while it may look like Jeannie's bottle— is actually slightly smaller.
Like the falls of Niagara that rage at the center of her little town, some powerful force forever threatens to sweep Jen into roiling chaos. It is a force against which she struggles. A power she cannot name. Whether it is the undertow of contemporary life, or something more ancient, "Life as it has alway been", Jen will continue to struggle, to thrash and fight. Yet in her most personal unguarded moments she will speak of a calm pool, a place where the waters become still and the chaos abates. A place where a father's wisdom, a mothers compassion, a brothers protection, and a sister, 35, all combine to show Jen she is not alone.
Today's America article "Who is Jen Why? Slacker or living stress-free? The truth about Generation 'Y' "
Daughter Jaye lives in Niagara Falls, her blurb, and life are a work in progress.
[edit]
Wound-up Penguin
. . .Eighty-eight bottles of beer on the wall…
Inanimate objects singing, waking Jaye.
This is what cults do you know. Deprive their converts of sleep so they'll be confused and vulnerable and more likely to do the stupid things you ask them to do. Like drink the Kool-aid. Is that what you're working up to?
Jaye to the chorus of "objects" singing "99 Bottles of Beer"
Is there some sort of leader I could speak with? Leader? Hello! Anyone want to let me in on the plan? —'cause I'm assuming there's a plan, a reason for all this. Anyone?
Bring her back.
Wound-up Penguin
You're going to hell. . .
Jaye after finding out the man they thought was a pimp is a priest.
What do you get off brow-beating a hooker? Jesus was nice to prostitutes.
Jaye to Priest
Now I'm going to hell.
Jaye finding out the women she thought was a prostitute is a nun.
Did you "Agnes of God" her? I bet he did— I bet he Agnes of Goddded all over her!
He didn't "Agnes of God" me.
Bring her back to him.
The dairy-board must love you.
Jaye to Nun, after her solilquoy about "Cheese".
You don't really want the "out loud" part do you? I mean, its got to be upsetting. I'm sure of it.
Jaye to Nun about wanting proof of the supernatural.
How am I supposed to commit my life to something I'm not sure is real?
I'm not a liar. Not in this instance anyway.
Break the tail-light.
Wax Lion to Jaye
I lost faith in that whole other life. And I don't know if I want it back.
Well, smell me! I'm better than I thought I was.
Jaye after Nun declares she's been persuaded to faith.
The voices, the animals, I was just mad at them. — but they aren't demonic. It just feels like that sometimes when they make me help people.
"Bring her back to him" — Wow.
A miracle happened because of you.
God led me back here, and I've got to trust him. This is where I'm meant to be.
Priest to Jaye and Eric
ERIC: Turns out your were right.
JAYE: Huh. . . I almost never hear that sentence.
[edit]
Pink Flamingos
Those sons of biscuits!
Jaye's father complaining about garbage collector's
Get off your ass!
Pink Flamingo to Jaye
I don't hate you. I know when you're careless it's not because you don't care.
KAREN (to Sharon): Carpool... have you gone green?
JAYE: I think she's a closet environmentalist.
He's much more Jewish than I am— mostly because he was born that way— I'm sort of a Christmas and Easter Jew.
Gretchen Speck about her husband
My father's in the hospital. It wouldn't feel right having so much. . . fun.
Jaye declining invitation to help with the reunion.
Eric can't talk right now, because he's servicing me sexually.
Jaye on the phone to Eric's unfaithful wife Heidi
Get the hint. Get off your ass.
Gretchen Speck is the antichrist— and your helping her throw a reunion.
Mahandra
I don't have a choice. I'm a puppet. The universe sticks its hand up my butt, and if I don't dance people get hurt.
Jaye
You may be the universe's butt puppet, but I'm its right hand fist of fate— and tonight accounts are coming due.
Mahandra
I've changed religions for God's sakes. I'm not going to heaven now.
Destroy Gretchen. Destroy her.
Oh Lord. Is that really what I sound like? Okay, You can put the mirror away, I get it. That is not the Janet I want to be.
Mahandra
Screw the chicken. I'm going to save that bitch's marriage.
Jaye
I'm done fighting. From now on I'm Fate's bitch.
Jaye
I'm so far from tense... I'm past tense.
Sharon
His toes weren't blue were they?
Your looking for the back door aren't you?
Jaye to her mother Karen
Oh, wow!— That's so creepy.
Gretchen to her secret admirer
So flattering! Yet somehow not less creepy.
No connection. There's mace, but there's no connection.
"Janet" was just venting— but you've been channeling Tonya Harding.
Mahandra
You made me feel sorry for Gretchen Speck— and I'm not sure I can forgive you for that.
What a bitch! Is it wrong that I like her now?
Say— did you know our basic cable comes with lesbian porn?
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